Telling .css-dv4kb7{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;text-decoration-thickness:0.0625rem;text-decoration-color:brandColorSecondary;text-underline-offset:0.25rem;color:inherit;-webkit-transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;}.css-dv4kb7:hover{color:#683d85;text-decoration-color:border-link-body-hover;}corny jokes or watching feel-good comedies is a sure-fire way to add levity to your day, but if you need a quick fix, then we've got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them., 66. Then turn to these bad jokes that you cant help but laugh at, short jokes that anyone can remember, and for the little ones, short jokes for kids. ] [Jerry Seinfeld uses this technique. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." My IQ test results came back. 75 Funny Puns and One-Liners For Kids and Adults - Today Never mind, I shouldnt spread it. (Best Life), 5) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Lets chat! But, if such a sad instance occurs and you couldn't find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section. the salamander who went to Hollywood to make newt movies? Luckily, this is not difficult. ~ Charlotte Whitton, A woman is like a tea bag; its only when shes in hot water that you realize how strong she is. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt, A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own., With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress., When a man gets up to speak, people listen, they look. Ayatollah. Put it on my bill! (Best Life), 6) I like to practice magic. We have rounded up some of the best collections of funny one-liners on life, funny quotes, hilarious captions, and sarcastic status messages and jokes. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired. by Team Scary Mommy. For example, you could use a popular Jerry Seinfeld technique and say, Have you ever noticed and fill in the blank with something funny or ridiculous youve observed lately. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 155 Hilarious One Liners Based on Life and Intelligence "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. ], 2) I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Follow her on Instagram for cute pics of her pup and bb. Fun Office Games & Activities for Employees, Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved], Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms, Corporate Gift Ideas Your Clients and Customers Will Love, Make an audience feel a stronger sense of, Release endorphins and calm anger for more productive debates, Plays on the human love of detecting discrepancies by illustrating a generally harmless mistake, misunderstanding, or departure from the norm. "Everybody wants to save the earth. Funny Funeral One-Liners to Share. Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias, 25. My friend gave me his EpiPen as he was dying. No use being a damn fool about it."W.C. Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. 99. I just bought these shoes from my drug dealer. We hold major institutions accountable and expose wrongdoing. And if they would, I do not do that thing." You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." I am a professional, but I have a lot of Nutrasweet in my system and I dont have a good short-term memory., 3) I have, you know, a lot of things I want to discuss with you and I dont even remember what they are. Sarah Brown, 98. Your email address will not be published. Just laugh. 92. If I cared, I would have listened the first time. Death is peaceful. Required fields are marked *. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. 83.86 % / 41 votes. How It Works Attire. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Duct tape is silver. - Anonymous, The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. Everything that we do today determines how were going to live life tomorrow. Martin Dasko, 25. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. Roses are red, violets are blue; I love you . 97. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. 87. "Zig Ziglar, 99. Its a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. Alan Alda, 33. Laughter is contagious, after all. "Sandra Bullock, 74. "As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. Guides and Resources "I like work. One liner tags: life, time, work 83.16 % / 1379 votes. O'Rourke, 88. the cat who ate a ball of yarn? Love them or hate them (or most likely, a little bit of both), theres no doubt that your boss can strongly influence your workday mood. Life is a long lesson in humility. J.M. 1. Reality is wrong, dreams are for real. Tupac, 65 Positive Aging Quotes About Getting Older Gracefully, 65 Incredible Quotes About Taking Chances, 120 Fascinating Wise Quotes That Will Grow Your Mind, 30 Funny Birthday Quotes And Wishes For A Card Or Message. 180 Kindness Quotes to Inspire You To Always Be Kind, 51 When You Feel Like Giving Up Quotes To Motivate You, Top 80 Trent Shelton Quotes On Love, Life And Loyalty. ' (Jim Gaffigan). Yep, funny Father's Day gifts totally existand if he's best known for his humor, he'll definitely get a kick (and a good knee slap) out of these picks. Need some more laughs? To see a mans true face, look to the photos he hasnt posted. Dream as if youll live forever, live as if youll die today. James Dean, 74. Looking for a funny quote or saying to reflect the humor that underlies many facets of life? All i want to go back and meet eligible single and one liners for special someone for dating sites embrouilleur je parle bien c'est tout. Co-workers: Theyre some of the best people when it comes to sharing funny movie quotes and spitballing some funny one-liners. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet. (Brain Champagne), 5) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias, 43. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny - Scary Mommy Whether your dream job entails selling, consulting or sleeping till noon, these funny work quotes are sure to resonate. Parallel lines have so much in common, but its a shame theyll never meet. Life. Youre like, What the hell? At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? 30. 1) Do you know what I love most about baseball? Corinne Sullivan is an Editor at Cosmopolitan, where she covers a variety of beats, including lifestyle, entertainment, relationships, shopping, and more. I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves. Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first. Reporting on what you care about. The adventure of life is to learn. Here are 40 hilarious one-liner jokes guaranteed to put a smile on both of your faces. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? Thats the perfect counterbalance to life. Next, check out these bar jokes that are hilariously funny. "Don't be so humble you are not that great.Golda Meir, 65. Polite tennis players give each other backhanded compliments. When you love people and have a desire to make a profound, positive impact upon the world, then you will have accomplished the meaning of life Sasha Azevedo, 15. How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." "Mark Twain, 100. "Meryl Streep, 39. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Its called wedding cake. 1. I was so surprised when the stationery store moved. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. Pets: the family members you get to choose. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. I never knew my real ladder. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice., 3) Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones?, 4) Did you hear the rumor about butter? W.C. 26. She is also the author of the 2018 novel Indecent. Funerals serve an important purpose for attendees. "I have a lot of growing up to do. "Instant gratification takes too long. The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when youre finished. Groucho Marx, 45. The wife says that yes, he could. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked. 82.89 % / 2909 votes. James Branch Cabell, 9. 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. In honor of Readers Digests 100th anniversary, weve collected 100 jokes, puns, and funny one-liners that are short, sharp, and easy to deliver. It was a knot-for-profit. Do I really have to tell Rita from accounting how its going? "I'm not crazy I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 42. These 101 funny quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Hero Images/Getty Images. 20 Funny Father's Day Gifts 2023 - Best Gag Gifts for Dad Online Accessibility Statement, Pricing So, Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. Cookie information is stored in your browser and performs functions such as recognising you when you return to our website and helping our team to understand which sections of the website you find most interesting and useful. "Phyllis Diller, 55. If I want your opinion, Ill ask you to fill out the necessary forms Unknown, 79. From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! 8. 94. Blog There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. . I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose? 60. One-Liners. You start the meeting by reviewing your agenda. "Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart." - Ross Perot "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." - George Carlin "There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them." - Lawrence Welk "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." - Sean O'Casey "Mindy Kaling, 2. "Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, 33. "It's never too late to have a happy childhood.". 7. I used to believe that all things must passuntil I got stuck behind a school bus. 80 Sarcastic One Liners - Daily Funny Quote These quick-witted and smart quotes, one-liners, status messages, will lighten the air, add humor to your conversations, and will make it easy to break the ice show your fun side too. Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. Pro-tip #2: Not comfortable making jokes? Roses are red, violets are blue; yo quiero tacos and queso too! One liner tags: people, puns. 61. Everything you can imagine is real. Pablo Picasso, 65. What if soy milk were just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? Pro-tip #3: Champion humor in your workplace by using an employee recognition platform such as Nectar to provide peer-to-peer rewards for making others laugh or smile. The best things in life are free but you still have to pay shipping Unknown, 62. Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got. R. Brault, 41. 83. Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones? That is your bosss job. Anonymous, 22. To prove he wasnt a chicken. 68. Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 46. There's no need to turn on the heat at the family reunion; the room will be full of hot air. This means that every time you visit this website you will need to enable or disable cookies again. 75. "Crying is for plain women. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.". document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Our site includes quite a bit of content, so if you're having an issue finding what you're looking for, go on ahead and use that search feature there! He had skeletons in his closet. That's one of my mottos. Thats why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar, 51. If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? "Ann Landers, 80. "Alexander Woollcott, 73. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Sign up for our weekly newsletters and get: By signing in, you agree to our Terms and Conditions A dirty double-crosser. For even more humorous remarks, check out these funny fortune cookie sayings.

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